Marshmallows and Bootstraps

“I want some marshmallows,” my three year old daughter announced.

“Get a bowl.”

She tried opening the drawer but the plastic bowls had been jumbled making it impossible to open. I fished my hand through the opening, righted enough bowls that the drawer opened and she chose one.

She searched for the marshmallows.

“They’re in the cupboard.”

She looked up at the high cupboard in dismay. I held out my arms and hoisted her up onto the countertop. I stood behind her so she wouldn’t fall as her little body bent over to open the cupboard door. Marshmallows were on the top shelf. Still too short. I hoisted her up the remaining few inches and she grabbed the bag.

A twist tie. Her fingers twisted it tighter and tighter. I put my fingers on hers and we went the opposite way until the tie fell off. She dumped what was left of the bag of marshmallows into her bowl, spilling several. I helped her pick up errant marshmallows. Then she held out her arms for me to get her down from the counter and ran off to tell Daddy “I got some marshmallows all by myself!”

Fast forward 20 years. I am having dinner with a friend. The talk turns to social issues and the very real problems with their city’s homeless population. At one point in our conversation, she said “Why don’t they just get a job and pull themselves up by their bootstraps”.

Ignoring for a moment that it is physically impossible to pull yourself up by your bootstraps (you can pull up your boots by the bootstraps, but you aren’t going to pull yourself up if you’re standing in them), I have reflected on both of these experiences against an additional experience of my own.

With a stay-at-home mom, lots of kids and a father working two jobs, I figured if I wanted to go to college, I would need to pay for it myself. So I did — by rolling burritos and flipping burgers. All by myself. All four years. Something I am very proud of.

And yet, as I consider my daughter’s marshmallow accomplishment, perhaps my efforts aren’t the entire story.

That job?  A friend that worked there recommended me.

To get to work? I had the use of a family car — a beat up red VW beetle. And if a someone else needed it, we juggled everyone’s need, time and distance until we figured out a solution.

The college? A state university I could afford, less than four miles from my house, on an affordable bus line.

Room and board? I lived at home, free of charge. My rent consisted of helping out with cooking, cleaning and laundry for the family.

That family? No less than nine people had my back. My older siblings showed me around on campus, helped me avoid pitfalls and invited me into their social circles and activities.

I am a strong proponent of self-reliance. But I have to admit I have been given my share of boots along the way. And while I may have put them on, I have had plenty of help pulling them up.

Our social problems are much more complex than boots, straps and a good pull. They start with freedom from mental and physical health issues. They require strong support systems — family and friends. And there must be opportunity and enough resources. Missing pieces make it increasingly difficult.

Certainly there are solutions. And it does require self-reliance. But perhaps those solutions look less like pulling yourself up by your bootstraps, and more like getting a bowl of marshmallows.