A Nanosecond

Author note: some identifying details  have been modified.

I made a dreadful discovery. One of my oldest and dearest friends is missing — disappeared down a political rabbit hole full of misinformation and craziness. I am stunned.

I have known her since childhood. We’ve eaten hundreds of meals together, gone to the same church our entire life, whispered our dreams at sleepovers. I’ve helped with her children’s weddings, celebrated each new child, grieved over deaths that came too soon. We have a deep reservoir of priceless memories together.

Now she has abandoned all reason and been sucked to the dark side.

I discovered it simply enough. One day we were talking about news sources. The sources she used were different than mine.  We joked about one of them. I commented about the founder. She countered with different information. It seemed innocuous enough at the time, yet it lay between us. So I did some research. It confirmed what I already knew to be true. Confident that she would see the light, I sent a quick, newsy text with what I had found. I was shocked when a snarky reply appeared.

Suddenly, I found myself questioning if I really knew her. How could it have gone this far without my ever suspecting. We were soul sisters weren’t we?

Immediately I felt my heart beat faster and heat erupt in my body. Well, there was just one thing to do about this! I jumped on my computer, intent on uncovering a virtual tsunami of information. I would flush her out of that rabbit hole and rescue her with the facts.

And then it happened. That annoying nanosecond of choice that psychologists tell us we have in between stimulus and response. Usually I don’t recognize it. I’m too busy getting wound up. On the rare occasion that I do recognize it, I try to ignore it. In fact, I find it an inconvenient truth that I might be responsible for my responses. I’d rather cling to my righteous anger and indignation.

This was one of those times. In the briefest of moments, I saw the consequence of my next action. It would provoke a storm that would damage and had the potential to destroy our friendship. So I did something I rarely do. I stepped back. After much consideration, I sent a different text message. A softer one. She responded with a softer reply. I ended with “I look forward to more thoughtful discussions with you. Love you.” She responded with “Love you too.”

I spent the rest of the evening replaying memories of our friendship in my head to blunt the reality of how close I had come to injuring our relationship: getting 15 cent hamburgers when the local burger joint ran their yearly promotion and not having enough money to each get fries so we shared one; crazy guys we dated and guys we would have given a limb for — but they never asked; listening to her violin screech until one day it didn’t and her music amazed. A lifetime of shared happiness and joy, sorrow and grief.

How did it almost happen?

It used to be that there were fewer ways to receive information and most of it took effort. Those days are long past. Information has increasingly become weaponized. It its more innocuous form, it seeks to open our wallets. In its insidious form, to lure, convince, and convert. Whereas we used to pretty much share sources that informed across society, now we can step into any number of echo chambers that magnify our inclinations where they solidify into rigid, inflexible tenants and turn us into zealots.

I can hear you say: “But they’re just so…..so……” Fill in the blank. Stupid!? Misinformed!? Delusional!? Wrong!? Last week I would have added more adjectives and exclamation points. But I had a chance to stand at the edge and peer over.

What I saw was carnage.

Don’t misunderstand. I believe there is a right and wrong. But in between is a whole lotta gray which amounts to nuance, semantics, background, style difference and information  to consider. The all-caps- screaming headlines and strident voices don’t serve any of us well.

I don’t agree with my friend. I probably never will. But I know her. I know her as well as I know myself. She is a thoughtful, measured person. Perhaps a little crazy now and then, but she has a good, kind heart. I suspect that underneath the rhetoric, we both want the same thing. And so I have determined that I will not sacrifice a friend or family member on the altar of…. — you can fill in the blank here too.

After all, a nanosecond is short. Just a billionth of a second. Which means we have LOTS of them. I can afford to be generous.